No matter how much I ignore the obvious or state my supposed disdain for it, baseball balances me. When you break through everything that I have to do to perform my job, it's the game that balances me. The game makes me happy, the game makes sense, and the game is safe. No matter where you're at it's always familiar and everyone knows where to find it. It's peace and it's an escape. At the heart of the monster lies the joy. People come and go, places change, and lives stop but in the end the game lives on to give a sense of familiarity to everyone who wants to take part.
It's the normal things I think I miss more than anything. Friends are starting their lives, getting married, growing up and being normal. Ive mentioned it before here, I think thats what I miss the most. I miss the idea that one day Im going to grow up and have a normal life. The life, the wife, the house, the 9-5, that dream is dead to me completely. It's like sometimes Im almost living someone elses dream and I cant trade back. Im thankful some of the time but I wonder all of the time. Im on the road constantly (which is a major point on the blog) and I dont ever have time for anything but the job. Im married to it, it's my wife. (Life is a bitch but Im sure glad the bitch aint divorce me, NAS).
I think Im overly sore tonight because I had to end another relationship. I thought this time I found a really good one. I absolutely loved talking to her above anything else because I really felt like she got me. I had a genuine and deep connection with her because of some of the things we both went through. I fell in love with her because I felt for the first time in a very long long time this girl actually got me and I think she felt the same because I think I really got her. I tried hard to be 100 percent open this time and I gave it my all but it wasnt meant to be. Sometimes no matter how much you care about someone or how hard you try to make things work, the other person really doesnt understand what they've done to you or how much they actually hurt you even if it wasnt on purpose. She really really hurt me bad this time. I dont even think she has any idea but it is what it is. I think this one is a wonderful and beautiful human being. Probably one in a billion to say the least. I am bitterly disappointed that it didnt work out but there is only so much one can take without just saying it's time. I dont know if Ill ever talk to her again but I hope so. So Im single again. Fun! (sarcasm)
Sorry for the personal rant tonight. It is what it is.
Peace Love Empathy